Garden Regrets

This year I will have occupied my little postwar ranch for 22 years and it would be unrecognizable to the widow who sold it to me in 2000. The most notable change is the gardens which almost completely surround my half-acre slice of heaven. The house came with minimal landscaping: a rhododendron which had been poorly pruned into a shape resembling a lollipop, clumps of overgrown euonymus, a few sad privet and a massive barberry.

A fall closing meant I had the winter to plan and get the inside habitable, but the following spring I began gardening in earnest. A trench needed to be dug from the corner of the house out to the road for sump pump drainage and my first flower bed, the driveway garden, was established along that line; once I started I just kept going.

I had never had free reign to do a large flower garden before; for years my garden energies had been focused on large vegetable gardens which were fairly predictable and with which I had a lot of experience. Flowers and shrubs were more of a mystery, so I found myself poring over plant descriptions in search of things that would transform my yard into a garden paradise.

The description for sweet woodruff caught my eye: “an airy ground cover of crisp green whorls topped with sweetly scented flowers in the summer”. I thought it would make a nice cover for the sun dappled ground under trees so I bought it. It took a couple of years to get established, but once it did it began taking over everything. Weeds were happy to grow up through it and raking the fallen leaves at the end of the season proved to be a trial. It has been haunting me since and I suspect I will be adding it to the weed bucket for years to come.

A friend had a trumpet vine growing on a trellis, and as I sat in his yard one summer afternoon I was entranced by the hummingbirds jamming their heads into the orange tubelike flowers in search of nectar. I instantly knew I wanted to grow one, so I asked if I could have a cutting. He was reluctant, warning me to plant it on something sturdy as it had the potential to grow very large. I assured him that I knew what I was doing and took the section of root home. It flourished as invasives tend to do, and in two years it was as tall as the stockade fence. Not content with one stalk, it shot up several more creepers on the fence as well as popping up everywhere in the garden; it even found its way through a small crack on the edge of my blacktop driveway. In ten years it managed to completely destroy the stockade fence and I realized it needed to go, so chainsaw in hand I cut the fence into chunks with the trumpet vine firmly attached and hauled the pieces to the landfill. The fence has been replaced and errant vines continue to appear, but it is manageable now. Next time I will listen.

My most expensive regret was the purchase of a river birch to replace a mountain laurel that lived between the house and the driveway and succumbed to sapsucker damage a few years after I moved in. Also called heritage birch, I loved the bark which peeled off in large sections to reveal different shades of buff, cream and tan and the graceful branches. What I did not know is that it is the messiest tree in the universe, dropping fine, whippy branches on a more or less constant basis. At first I thought the tree was ill, but my master gardener aunt confirmed that river birches are messy things. To make matters worse, the tree dropped a fine, sticky sap nearly all summer long which was not noticeable when the tree was small but when it partially shaded the driveway my car would become fouled with it. One day I came out to see a large number of bees on my car enjoying the sticky goodness and I realized it was time to remove the tree.

The good thing about gardening regrets is that they are fairly easy to fix unlike some of the Big Life ones. But they still have the capacity to teach you things like patience, perseverance and the importance of doing your research.

Holed Up

It is week three of working from home during the Covid-19 crisis and like anyone with any smarts I am hunkered down at home with my little tabby cat as the world goes mad around me. The people who care mightily for the professionals on the front are staying in and giving them a chance to work their magic against a virulent enemy they cannot see and don’t understand a great deal about. I want to be part of the solution not part of the problem and do my best to offset the crowd that thinks this is some sort of joke; may karma and Darwin have the last word with them. The entire world does not shut down for a hoax, people.

It is of no use to speculate how many more weeks of isolation we will need to practice; schools are closed for at least three more weeks which means I will be confined to my pleasant but uncharacteristically quiet home office for at least that long. I am looped in with my colleagues via collaboration apps and email but there is nothing like the banter between members of a team who are responsible for a network with a lot of moving parts; we do the best we can and are understanding of the personal stresses this pandemic has brought upon everyone. To say that I am grateful to still have a job would be an understatement given the fact that few sectors have been spared job decimation, many of which will not come back.

My natural gravitation toward solitude has worked to my advantage and while I miss being able to go to the local watering hole and my weekly trivia nights, being home alone is not much of a hardship. I have a million things to do and boredom is not something I experience very much but there is a persistent and restless wish to be able to do something to help and it is enormously frustrating to realize that probably the best thing I can do is nothing. Fabric masks have suddenly become all the rage so I have been leveraging my fantastic sewing skills and fabric stash to make as many as I can for friends and family who want them; it has helped dispel some of the helplessness I feel. Obtaining elastic for ear loops has proven somewhat challenging and I am reminded of my mom’s stories from her childhood at the end of WWII; she and her sisters stood in line for all sorts of things, a concept I had difficulty wrapping my head around until recently.

Similar to my mom’s wartime experience, food planning and acquisition has become fraught with logistical management; going to a grocery store can be a dangerous vector for picking up the virus and post-shopping sanitation is a consuming task.  Because of this I try to plan for ten to fourteen days of meals which is made somewhat more interesting by being a vegetarian and the random availability of foodstuffs caused by the devastation to our supply chain. Gone are the days of opening the refrigerator and deciding what’s for dinner on the fly; every meal is calculated to make use of produce that needs to be used before it spoils and with an eye toward making the most of leftovers. Once again I count myself extremely fortunate to be living in an area with an abundance of grocery stores; my heart goes out to people who deal with food insecurity on a daily basis. This pandemic must be hell for them.

Actually, this pandemic is hell for a lot of people and while it has taken its toll on me emotionally and presented some challenges I still have a reasonably secure job that does not force me to interact with the public on a daily basis. I have health insurance and sick leave so if I become ill I am not going to lose my home or have to make a choice between going to work sick or getting well. I am not a child whose only decent meal comes from a school breakfast and lunch program or a parent who is confronted with homeschooling their kid without adequate broadband or hardware. And I am not quarantined with an abuser with no end in sight to the isolation.

I am one of the lucky ones. If this crisis has shown us anything as a country it is that the existing disparity between the haves and have-nots makes us look small, weak and very far down on the list of desirable places to live. Working in education for more years than I care to think about has given me a front row seat for this disgusting inequity and I hope this crisis creates a situation we can no longer look away from as a society. I plan to emerge from this pandemic smarter, stronger and more compassionate and I hope my country does too.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6igQ-nacfU

Guns

Growing up on a farm in upstate New York I had a ring side seat for gun ownership and as a result am well versed in how to clean, load and use a gun safely.  An appropriately sized firearm was an essential tool in the farm life survival collection; there was no reverence or hero worship for the household gun, but rather a deep and abiding respect for its ability to end a life and the two household guns lived in the tack room with the ammunition in a location known only to my parents. On the farm it would be considered a cruelty to be unable to quickly and humanely end a severely injured or suffering animal’s life or to kill a rabid animal.  The incredible amount of irony in that combination of killing and compassion occupies a big part in the Venn diagram of gun ownership as it should.

My grandfather was an avid sportsman who had a massive collection of custom and specialty guns for all manner of sporting much of which was to gather food and as kids we ate all sorts of fowl and game gathered by grandpa. Someone once asked him why he had no automatic or semi-automatic weapons and he quipped, “I want to hunt, not make hamburger”. He went on to explain that he felt that automatic and semi-automatic weapons belonged squarely in the wheelhouse of military and police personnel…the professionals. “They are ugly and designed to kill people, not dinner” said he. Perhaps the fact that he was a prominent area surgeon colored his opinion; I know that some of his younger colleagues who were MASH doctors returning from Korea influenced him a great deal after describing the carnage these weapons can cause. So no, I don’t think they should be available to average citizens because the use case is nothing other than nefarious.

In case you are wondering, I get the American gun culture thing but somewhere along the line it moved away from the pride of quiet responsibility for such a potentially fearsome thing to a grotesque (cult)ure of power acquisition, paranoia and personal insecurity.  Clearly  as a society we can no longer handle the parameters for gun ownership set forth by our forefathers and by responsible society.  As a country girl I had more than my share of boyfriends with gun racks in the back windows of their pickup trucks but even at seventeen I knew a guy with an AK47 was nothing short of creepy.

The One Month Mark

One month ago today I was sporting a giant band-aid, using a walker and navigating the labyrinth of pain medications I was given to get me through the post-surgical insanity of a total knee replacement.  Fast forward a month later and it’s a pretty stark contrast to accomplishing my first walking-intensive outing to a car show downtown with an accommodating friend on nothing but Tylenol and walking without a cane. Dealing with a busted elevator and doing a bunch of steps down into the arena ended up being no big deal and I was stunned by how good I felt. My life had been consumed by worries about how long I would have to walk to pretty much anywhere so having that consideration become a non-issue is life changing.

I’m returning to work half days next week to give me ice and elevation time and to keep up an aggressive physical therapy schedule. PT is tough and my therapist and I are both aware of the finite window of scar tissue vs flexibility so we are in the home stretch when it comes to how much I will get back. I’m pleased to report that I have nailed the straightening part of the program which assures that I will use the correct working parts of the implant and I won’t look dumb in tights. Now comes the flexion which will dictate how deep I can squat, whether or not I can do a Sukhasana in yoga or straddle my partner. I don’t get along well with limitations so while flexion involves pain and requires more repetition than extension because I’m working against swelling and quads that have pretty much lost their minds as a result of being cut into, I am picking away at it and torturing myself on days when I don’t have formal physical therapy.  A new gym I am using has six rowing machines, a couple leg press machines and TRX straps galore so I’ve been working on my own little rehab routine.

It’s hard to believe that a little over a month ago I was in absolute agony and waiting for this to be behind me and I am amazed that the stuff that’s left is entirely mental. There are no more drugs to keep track of and I don’t need to use anything to assist my walking so it’s all about working through the pain of getting my mobility to match the other leg and learning how to break down the old muscle memory that favored my painful knee and made me walk badly. Gait is everything now and requires tremendous concentration but it’s a worthy exercise and I’m grateful as hell for the chance to stride all over the place again. New knee, new me.

 

 

Unveiling

Today was one of those days that makes all the dullness and monotony of icing, elevating, medicating and therapy worth it. My surgical follow-up visit was this morning and I knew I would be getting my bandage off which will go a long way toward bending the knee since I would no longer be working against it. Forgotten from my last knee replacement was the fact that my leg hair would grow into the heavy sticky border of the bandage and removing it would be a very uncomfortable slow-motion waxing which I had to white knuckle through. When it was removed I was astonished to discover that rather than the expected row of staples there was a red line; apparently my knee wound had been glued together through the marvel of modern medicine. I was relieved when the nurse finished up by giving me a row of steri-strips.

My surgeon’s PA Rich saw me in the surgeon’s absence and was delighted by how well I was walking. He also cautioned me about overdoing it especially when I told him I planned to return to work in a couple of weeks which he felt was very ambitious so I will need to modify my request.

Physical therapy is going well and Don is tough on me. He is a good communicator and I have learned a tremendous amount about my body and how most knee surgeries actually go from the standpoint of rehab. I was astounded to learn that a ninety degree bend is considered a satisfactory outcome making me even more pleased with the near-perfect mobility I have with my right knee. Of course the two knees must now match giving me a built-in challenge.

 

 

 

Week One

It has been an entire week since my knee replacement surgery and while many of the experiences and observations I had last time are the same there are quite a few differences. In spite of the fact that I had some serious reservations about opting to do the surgery as an out-patient I’m glad I did.

Same day service meant rethinking my choice of anaesthesia and instead of undergoing general anaesthesia I opted for a spinal instead. I was completely asleep during the cutting and drilling but waking up from a spinal was free of the usual nausea and debilitating loopiness that just seems to hang on for days. A friend who had a spinal for some arthroscopic surgery said it was like waking up from a nap, a claim I regarded suspiciously but she was absolutely correct. In Recovery, rather than waiting for me to hurl a nurse cheerfully gave me a cup of ice chips. Bliss!

The other item of great concern was managing the inevitable pain. Total knee replacements hurt. A lot. With the last knee I spent four days in the hospital having my pain managed for me; oxycontin, oxycodone and morphine were administered by nurses and unless I was feeling especially awful I didn’t have to pay much attention. In preparation for going home the excellent staff at OrthoNY prescribed Celebrex, Tramadol and oxycodone ahead of time so I had everything ready and no one had to make a frantic trip to the pharmacy.  I was given a very specific sheet on what to take when and the meds were treated a bit like a ladder with oxycodone being on the top. Celebrex was a given as it was used to control the swelling, followed by extra strength Tylenol and Tramadol; oxycodone was for any pain the lower rungs on the ladder didn’t take care of and after three days I was able to eliminate the top rung completely. I’m pretty sure I will never understand the recreational appeal of opiates.

The bandage covering my staples is the same Aquacel bandage I had last time, a high-tech affair that allows me to shower but there seems to be vastly less bruising this time around and remarkably less numbness. I’m hoping this will result in fewer “phantom pains” caused by reprogramming nerve endings which can be powerful enough to blast through any pain meds and awaken me from a deep sleep.

My health insurance coverage changed a couple years ago and did not include in-home physical therapy for the first two weeks so I used the little exercise sheet I was sent home with and an app for my phone called Orthophysical which actually has the ability to measure my extension and flexion. Eager to map the challenge, my torture started in earnest and by the time I went to outside physical therapy on day five my new PT Don pronounced that I was already half way there.

One thing the two surgeries have in common is the immediate relief from the horrendous, limiting knee pain I was experiencing. In both cases the very first time I stood on my new titanium parts I knew I had been given a wonderful new opportunity to use my body the way it was meant to be used making all the post-surgical pain worth it.

Color me grateful.

Hardware Upgrade

In a few days I will surrender myself to the competent hands of one of the best knee replacement doctors in the capital district in an effort to rid myself of the pain in my left knee which has been plaguing me for a couple years. In similar fashion to its sibling four years ago I am fresh out of that wonderful commodity known as cartilage on the left and have decided to get it taken care of; years and years as a farm kid jumping off countless pickup trucks, horses and hay wagons have taken their toll. Limping around Australia and missing out on some amazing hikes along with climbing the Sydney Harbor Bridge made me realize it was a quality of life issue and I began to plan for the best time to be out of commission. Ideally the heavy garden work will be over next week and I have some time before I have to shovel snow so early October seemed to be my best bet or wait until spring which had zero appeal. Another winter of being unable to snowshoe because of knee pain? No thank you. I am sick to death of fretting about having to walk somewhere far, doing the lawn in stages and having my knee balk at my beloved spin class.

Much of the mental work of being a single girl who is undergoing fairly major surgery is similar to last time but this time I am undertaking a Total Knee Replacement as an out-patient. You read that correctly. In and out the same day, and while I am pleased to be a healthy enough candidate for such a thing I’m concerned about hitting the weeds when it comes to pain but they seem to have nailed all that and I am going to give it a try; the program has a very good success rate and it’s hard to argue against lessening your infection vector by staying out of the hospital. I’m in.

As was required last time I attended Joint Class and was once again given an excellent rundown of expectations and how to prepare for surgery along with a question and answer session. When the class was over I was walking back to the parking garage with a woman who looked to be my age; she was there with her husband and shared that she was having both hips done at once. When I registered my surprise she said, “Honey, I’m a waitress and only get two weeks of time off a year. I can’t afford to do one after the other”. That was a sobering comment and for the millionth time I am grateful for a job that gives generous amounts of sick time and allows us to accrue it and really drove home some of the things people in this country do in the name of healthcare. I am truly one of the lucky ones.

Observations on Oz

A few weeks ago I returned from a fortnight in Australia, an opportunity that unexpectedly popped up and which I was fortunate enough to be able to take advantage of; a friend of mine who grew up there was going home for five weeks and he suggested I come down and hang out with him for one of those weeks. Seven days with a native in a country most people only dream about visiting while they are having summer and I am enduring record cold temperatures in the great northeast? Yes, please. My shiny new passport which remained un-inked after being in my desk drawer for nearly three years was about to take a trip half way around the globe for its maiden voyage; go big or go home I told myself and planning the trip became a delicious obsession.

I was going to be responsible for lodging while I was there and leveraged Airbnb for the whole trip which turned out to be a fantastic choice. No impersonal hotel concierges and sterile rooms for this girl; I got to meet the people whose space I was renting and the three different bookings were all delightful and different in their own way. It’s hard to beat a cottage in Katoomba, a waterfront retreat on Kilaben Bay or an eighth story penthouse apartment with a stunning view of Manly Beach; all were fantastic in their own way and as far as I am concerned it is the only way to travel. It is a wonderful way to interact with locals and I will never forget the people I met as a result of using private homes as lodging and it’s a blog post all its own.

Seventeen hours from Dallas-Fort Worth to Sydney was not for the faint of heart but I was prepared for it by my well traveled daughter who had already made the trip and exhorted me to hydrate and wear elastic stockings and her advice was fantastic as usual. I booked my flight with the marvelous Qantas airline which miracle of all miracles seems to really care about its passengers and discovered a pillow, blanket, headphones and sleep mask in my seat. Somehow I lucked out with having a free row on my trip to Sydney allowing me to lay down and get some sleep; I arrived Down Under feeling pretty good and Scot was there to meet me.

What an amazing country! I was completely enchanted by the laid-back attitude, fantastic climate and approach to life. Touring the countryside with a native gave me a wonderful view of a country whose minimum wage is 17.70 an hour (roughly 14 dollars American as of this writing) and a population unencumbered by concerns about health care or getting shot on the street which seems to be an American obsession Australians just cannot comprehend   Aussies also get five weeks of vacation per year because the government feels that downtime is a human necessity; this sensible approach is how life should be and the vibe was tangible…I left part of myself in that place which was both wild and civilised and if they didn’t reject visa applications of anyone over fifty I would have applied. Life in Oz makes sense.

Scot was a splendid tour guide and had some great things planned. We did a wildlife park whose main focus was conservation and solving the problems of animals facing human intrusion; I saw so many animals I would never see otherwise and petting a koala, a kangaroo and a baby Tasmanian devil are life changing experiences and I learned a tremendous amount about native Australian species along the way. I saw the Three Sisters rock formation with a bonus thunderstorm at night over the Jamison valley, some great wineries and many absolutely amazing and colorful birds which made sounds I have never heard; being awakened in the morning by a kookaburra fracas is a magical thing. We swam ay Manly Beach, strolled The Corso and watched the pelicans get fed at The Entrance in New South Wales. In spite of its beauty this is a country that can kill you though, and the sight of a huntsman spider on my first night in Katoomba was sobering; I would have had difficulty covering the teenager that descended from a tree near my cottage with my whole hand. The place in Kilaben Bay had a deadly funnel-web spider living in a void in the masonry next to the door, but treated in a circumspect manner it was never a problem.

Sydney was an amazing city with the iconic opera house sitting like a jewel in Sydney Harbor the brilliant sun reflecting off the million or so glazed ceramic tiles covering what is an architectural masterpiece; I stood in front of that wonder in the dazzling sunshine and could not stop staring at it. The Royal Botanical Gardens with its long walkway along Sydney Harbor had many amazing plants I had seen only in pictures or in greenhouses. You have to love a place where jasmine grows wild and gardenias are a shrub as common as yews. Public transportation was fantastic and purchasing an Opal card gives you access to all forms of public transportation including the ferry which we used a great deal between Manly and Sidney; getting around was fairly easy and things were well marked and logical with clean public toilets available everywhere. New York City could learn a thing or two from Sydney.

It was fascinating to be in a country where I was the one with the accent and immediately identifiable as an American. Given the horrendous political climate back home it was difficult not to feel a sense of embarrassment when people asked about what was going on in my country but everyone was polite; somehow they understood that Trump supporters generally don’t have passports and that I was likely from the other camp.  The prevailing question was always. “Okay, he got elected…but it’s been a year. Why haven’t you gotten rid of that wanker?” It was a question for which I had no answer but it led to many fascinating conversations from people not only from Australia but New Zealand, South Africa and the UK; it was heartwarming to know that people all over the globe recognized that our democracy is in jeopardy and were sympathetic to our plight.  It was a mind expanding experience as all travel is but the luxury of visiting a continent where people spoke my language and resonated with my sensibilities made the perfect first foray into serious travel; I am forever grateful to Scot for sharing part of this unique and wonderful country with me and it has whet my appetite for more far away experiences.  After all, once you do Oz everything else is a piece of cake.

Suzy Q

The other day at the gym I had a conversation with one of the instructors who commented about how much she hated her fifties; she was annoyed by her body which suddenly seemed out of control and the fact that her children were migrating away to college and their own lives. I was inclined to agree with her on the traitorous body but it’s still hard for me to hate my fifties.

Some people never get to have them.

Thirty one years ago today my mother died at the ridiculously young age of 49 from metastatic breast cancer a victim of her decision to forego mammograms, chemo and radiation. In spite of the fact that her father was a prominent local surgeon she eschewed medical intervention unless absolutely necessary and was terrified of infirmity which likely shortened her life but she never had misgivings about her decisions. At the time of her death her daily driver was a ten year old Datsun 280Z which she drove like a bat out of hell and I can remember being certain she was going to die from wrapping it around a tree. In retrospect it would have been infinitely kinder than watching her incredible sparkling energy slowly be dulled and dissipated by the insidious thing attacking one bodily function after another.

My mother was my best friend in the world and it was torture to watch her die before my very eyes; I was her primary caretaker and had a ringside seat for her horrific decline, the kind only cancer can provide. It saddened me to think that my four year old daughter would not get to grow up to know this woman who was the embodiment of love and it devastated me to think of having to live without someone who knew me better than anyone, believed in me and was my constant cheerleader.

It took a very long time to get over my mother’s demise and I still miss her every day but I learned a couple of very important things in my grief. I learned that the best way to honor a lost loved one and to keep their memory alive is to do your best to embody everything that is good about them so I work hard at being the kind compassionate woman she would want me to be. And I suddenly realized with stunning certainty that life is finite and wasting time on people or activities that are not positive and life affirming are a gigantic waste of precious moments. Her death was an important milestone to me in terms of reassessing where I was going and it encouraged me to start living in a more unapologetically honest way even if it means making changes that are unpopular to those around me. Death does not care if you have not taken that trip to Europe, failed to lose thirty pounds or the unfinished dissertation and I firmly believe the best defense against it is to live every day as if it is your last.

It’s what mom would want me to do.

Stick Chick

In 1977 my best high school friend Kenny Jay Crawford taught me how to drive a stick in his dad’s bullet proof farm truck which happened to be a ’59 Ford pickup and a total pain in the ass to drive. This was for the sole purpose of using me as a hay mule, but that was okay; even back then in rural America not many of my female friends could handle a manual transmission so it made me feel like a badass. To paraphrase from the Red Green Show, “If boys didn’t find me pretty they could sure find me handy”. My love affair with the clutch solidified in the 80’s when my now ex husband bought me a 1977 Camaro with a 350 and a Muncie lift reverse complete with competition clutch. And headers. I was officially the coolest mom in elementary school.

Every car I have owned since then must have a manual transmission and both my car and truck are five speeds. I like driving and I love being in control of and engaged with my vehicle; crappy road conditions are a million times better when you can dictate what your wheels are doing and insurance company statistics can already tell you that people who drive a stick are lower insurance risks out of the box likely because they are paying attention. My daughter is of the exact same mind and was recently frustrated by the new car choices for clutch lovers; the fact that it is getting harder and harder to find cars with a manual transmission option is both appalling and alarming.

Equally appalling was the experience I had today after waiting an hour and a half to get an inspection on my truck at the local Valvoline shop; the young lady who was the inspection tech was unable to drive a stick and therefore could not complete the inspection. I had never heard of such a thing!  She assured me that the NYS Department of Motor Vehicles had disallowed her from completing inspections on vehicles with manual transmissions because she had been unable to complete that part of the test. My first response was, “Girlfriend, get behind the wheel because you are about to get a lesson”, but of course she was on the clock and could not do it. To her credit she quickly called a couple other of their local shops to find one with an open bay; I was able to get my inspection done at a shop about four miles away by a cheerful young man who was apologetic about the inconvenience. But it blew my mind that someone in the business could not drive a stick.

I guess the meme I have seen on the internet about a stick shift being the ultimate anti-theft device is laughably true.

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